Dear life kit: should i tell my friend they talk too much?

_HAVE A QUESTION YOU WANT TO ASK DEAR LIFE KIT ANONYMOUSLY? __SHARE IT HERE__._ When you feel frustrated with a friend, it's easy to keep it inside — mull it over, play it back, rage

internally — until, eventually, those feelings affect your relationship. What if you could muster the courage to bring up the issue before your friendship sours? Celeste Headlee is a

journalist and the author of several books, including _We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations That Matter_. She answers your anonymous questions about having difficult conversations with

people you love: THERE ARE SOME PEOPLE IN MY CIRCLES THAT TALK WAY TOO MUCH — MOSTLY ABOUT THEMSELVES. I'D LIKE TO TELL THEM THE TRUTH. WHAT CAN I SAY? — _TUNING OUT _ It's going

to be very difficult to give that feedback to them in a way that's going to change their behavior. It's much easier to get them to motivate themselves to change. One of the ways to

do that is by gently redirecting the conversation. When they begin to talk about themselves, you can say: "You know, I'm super interested. I know that you really like to talk

about _[insert topic here]_. Can I tell you about _[this other thing]_?" Or "Can I tell you about what's happening to me?" Or "Is it OK for me to talk to you about

my own family?" After you've done this a few times, they will begin to realize that they're doing it, if they are _at all_ aware, and they might motivate their own change.

That's going to be way more effective than you telling them, "Hey, you talk way too much," which will probably make them defensive — and that rarely motivates change. HOW DO I

STAY FRIENDS WITH SOMEONE WHOSE CHOICES ABOUT COVID SAFETY ARE VERY DIFFERENT THAN MINE? MY FRIEND WANTS TO VISIT AND DOESN'T UNDERSTAND WHY I'M SAYING NO. CAN TWO PEOPLE WITH

SUCH DIFFERENT VIEWS REMAIN FRIENDS? — _OPPOSITE REACT_ Yes. People with very very different views can remain friends. But only if those friends both respect each other's boundaries.

Now, if you're criticizing their personal decisions, like if you say, "How could you be comfortable with this? That's not what the evidence says," that's telling

them that their decisions on COVID are just wrong. Period. Instead, if you use language about your own choices, such as, 'I totally get that we have different levels of comfort, but

this is what I'm comfortable with," they should respect those boundaries. If they don't respect your own personal boundaries and your own personal choices, that's what

gets in the way of the friendship — not the difference in views. MY FRIEND SENT ME A "WE NEED TO TALK" TEXT. OF COURSE, IT FREAKED ME OUT. BUT WHEN I TRIED TO SET UP A TIME TO

TALK, SHE LEFT ME WAITING. HER APPROACH CAUSED ME A TON OF ANXIETY. AM I WRONG TO WANT AN APOLOGY? — _WE _DO_ NEED TO TALK _ You are not wrong to want an apology. She owes you an apology.

But you wanna couch your complaint in your own personal terms. Don't say something like, "Only a jerk would do this to somebody else." Instead, talk about how it made you

feel: "This really upset me. In order for me to move forward, I need you to tell me that you're sorry so that I know that you recognize what you did wrong." What gets in the

way of the friendship is not necessarily a mistake. Of course you're gonna make mistakes. It's whether the person _recognizes_ they've made a mistake, because that's what

assures you — emotionally and cognitively — that they're at least going to try not to do it again. When you make yourself vulnerable to someone through any kind of relationship,

friendship or otherwise, you can get hurt. So these little checks and balances that we have are how we protect ourselves moving forward. And any friend should understand that. So, just tell

them directly, "This hurt me. Can you apologize?" And then see what happens. ------------------------- _Have a question you want to ask Dear Life Kit? Whether it's about

family, friendship, work conflict or something else, __share it here__._ _Listen to Life Kit on __Apple Podcasts__ and __Spotify_, or sign up for our newsletter. Copyright 2022 NPR. To see

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