The Importance of being Prime Minister A debate in the manner of Oscar Wilde

Moderator: (Ringing a bell) Gentlemen, we commence our debate on the myriad challenges facing our nation. Let us begin with the pressing issue of governance.

Sir Keir Starmer: (With earnest conviction) Ladies and gentlemen, I shan’t pretend there’s a magical incantation to resolve all our woes overnight. Picture, if you will, the dismay upon

awakening on July 5th, confronted with five more years of Conservative rule—a reign marked by decline and discord. The pyromaniacs of our society, given their incendiary tools once more.

Mr. Rishi Sunak: (With a smirk) Ah, but Sir Keir entreats you to bestow upon him a carte blanche. In these tumultuous times, we cannot afford a leader shrouded in uncertainty. Choose,

instead, a secure future with the Conservatives. With Keir Starmer, you face the unknown; indeed, he himself is adrift in ambiguity.

Moderator: We have a question from a lady who cooks for her family in batches to save electricity. She cannot make ends meet. What do you say to her?

Mr. Rishi Sunak: (Solemnly) A vote for Sir Keir is a vote for higher taxes and more expensive energy. The questioner is to be commended for her batch cooking. I hate people who are not

serious about meals. It is so shallow of them.

Sir Keir Starmer: (Indignantly) How you can sit there eating muffins when we are in this horrible trouble, I can’t make out. You seem to me to be perfectly heartless.

Moderator: We turn now to the issue of housing—a matter dear to the hearts of our young electorate.

Mr. Rishi Sunak: (Earnestly) The path to home ownership is strewn with obstacles; our task is to clear the way. Especially to Worthing.

Sir Keir Starmer: (Passionately) For our youth, the dream of home ownership is but a fading reverie. I vow to build 1.5 million new homes, breathing life into their aspirations.

Moderator: And now, what vision do you offer the younger generation?

Mr. Rishi Sunak: (With a paternal tone) We must strive to grant our youth the opportunities they merit — including the opportunity to serve their country and community. (The audience

chuckles at the mention of National Service.)

Sir Keir Starmer: (Amused) What I shan’t do is conscript you into a makeshift militia, a teenage Dad’s Army, if you will.

Moderator: Climate change—a matter of grave concern. How do you position it within your policies?

Mr. Rishi Sunak: (Solemnly) As a father of two young daughters, this issue strikes close to home. Rest assured, we shall combat climate change and achieve net zero — without beggaring you in

the process.

Sir Keir Starmer: (With a visionary gaze) Let us not view the transition to renewables as a burden, but as a grand opportunity. Renewable energy heralds not only a greener future but also

lower bills. Labour’s legacy will be Great British Energy!

Sir Keir Starmer: (Firmly) Labour is the party of national security. We pledge to fortify our armed forces and uphold our nuclear deterrent. Pray do not pay attention to anyone who says

otherwise.

Mr. Rishi Sunak: (Authoritatively) Only the Conservative Party can guarantee your safety in these perilous times. Our plan includes mandatory national service, nurturing a sense of duty and

patriotism in the young (titters from the audience) and a spending commitment on defence that Labour refuses to match.

Moderator: On the matter of the European Convention on Human Rights?

Mr. Rishi Sunak: (Decisively) Should a choice arise between our borders’ security and a foreign tribunal, I choose our nation’s safety every time.

Sir Keir Starmer: (Principled) Under my leadership, we shall not renounce international agreements.

Mr. Rishi Sunak: (Firmly) Migrants detained shall be deported come July, provided I remain your Prime Minister. Adhere to our plan, and illegal migrants will be gone. With Labour, they would

roam freely.

Sir Keir Starmer: (Critically) The Prime Minister deems the numbers too high, yet who holds the reins? We must dismantle the gangs profiting from this vile trade — as I once did with

terrorists as Director of Public Prosecutions. We eschew costly gimmicks like the Rwanda scheme.

Moderator: Would you support processing asylum seekers in a third country, Sir Keir?

Sir Keir Starmer: (Thoughtfully) Yes, if it can be achieved in accordance with international law.

Mr. Rishi Sunak: To have only one policy, Sir Keir, may be regarded as a misfortune. To have none at all looks like carelessness.

Mr. Rishi Sunak: (Confidently) A vote for the Conservatives is a vote for certainty and security. You know I always tell you the unvarnished truth.

Sir Keir Starmer: (Inspirationally) A vote for Labour is a vote for hope and renewal. Together, we can build a brighter future. That is the pure and simple truth.

Moderator: The truth is rarely pure and never simple. And thus concludes our debate. Thank you, gentlemen.

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